"It's ME we're talking about. ME. "

This is one of the thoughts that haunts me the most.  

It crashes me. It makes difficult for me to breathe...to sleep..to live.

I feel like I have Everest to climb( just like the protagonist of one of my favorite books) like I try and try but I can't climb it.

I wish I were like those people who don't seem to have dreams..or at least who can settle.

I wish all of this was easier. 

I wish I didn't have CP..I wish I was more independent and not so scared.

I wish I liked my course more. I try. I swear. 

There hasn't been 1 day since October when I didn't study. Once I had high fever,an headache and a terrible cough..but I still studied.

Even now that I am on holiday,I brought my chem textbook with me. I tried to study on the train..I try to study during the day..even though it's impossible because there are things to do,places to go,people visiting..it never ends. Plus..somehow,opening that textbook kinda makes me throw up and have some kind of anxiety attack.

"It's ME we're talking about. ME"

Here it is,again.

"You live in a fairytales..you live out of dreams".

"If you don't do well here,you have no chances in med school".

"You have to take Chemistry in med school..you know that,right? "

"You can't talk..you're not a doctor"

"You can't tell people you want to graduate as a doctor and then think about boys and love. It's weird"

Peer pressure also destroys me. I literally can't breathe when I see people who are only a little bit older than me and have a degree and are successful.

 I feel terrible and wrong..I feel like I'm a total failure.

Why is life so difficult?

Why can't I understand chem problems?

Why can I devour biology/medicine textbooks no problem?

Why is problem solving so difficult on me?

Why have I started to be ashamed of what I dream and want to do?

Maybe I was brought up like this.

Why do people look at me with compassion if I tell them I want to go to med school? 

Why is the admission process so stupid?

Why can't I help anyone..ever?

Why can't I help MYSELF?

Why do I always feel so helpless,scared and alone?

What's so wrong with me?